Another holiday to be thankful for

Today we went to the beach again, it was not quite as warm as the other day,though it was on the 26th when we last went. Nevertheless, we always count ourselves as very lucky, especially when I hear the weather report or hear the national weather report. We are so blessed today as we still walked barerfoot in the sand, walked knee deep in the ocean water and searched for my beloved seaglass and shark teeth. It was a grand day.

Thank you God, for a beautiful day whereas I could rest....and enjoy a day with Richard and Catherine.

T'was the day AFTER Christmas....

After 10 days of Scarlet Fever and Strep that Catherine and I suffered through before Christmas, Kimberly spent 4 days in St. Vincents for her Cylical Vomiting Syndrom. Afterwards they ordered a colonoscopy which, afterwards, she had a reaction to the anthesthia and spent 12 hours in the ER. Now she's scheduled for an endoscopy and hope all goes well. During the colonoscopy they did a biopsy with a clip of tissue and we are waiting to hear if all is well there. I knew Christmas this year wasn't going to be the best but I had no idea it would be like this, with us so sick and Kimberlly in the hospital. Cataherine and I are much improved. We were fortunate to be well enough to attend the annual family gathering at Richard's sister's estate in Ponte Vedra Beach Christmas Day.

The weather, still extraordinarily warm, reached 80 degrees for the straight 7th day. Putting that to good use, we decided to get outdoors and we went to the beach the day following Christmas. We were blessed with having Mya with us that day so she added to our joy. After being cooped up in the house for so long, I relished the fresh, salty air and her joyful presence. Here are a few pictures I took to capture our day.

still under a dark cloud

The battle seems an unperious end that has come too soon, yet not soon enough. Still, i can't shake the sense of doom. No more tears right now,but i've filled a cup full already today. i am empty, finally. No more swords thrown my way; nor modern day bullets aimed at my heart and no drowning in deep waters where it's so dark and cold i almost gave up my life.... those that feel like me will agree. (but where are you?)
My battle is done for now, until another day. Bloodshed is sometimes the same as tears and hurt, don't you think? i so fruitlessly duck the cannon balls, spears and bullets; this is not a war i'm comfortable with, but familiar with. Once, twice and now three times and i'm ready to wave the white flag of surrender. i am done but the battlefield is so hard to leave; only the dead remain and the hurt limp away or die trying, like my own tired body and spirit. i need closure first but it seems impossible. Should i just lay down to sleep along with the long-ago dead? Or is there hope for me when i've lost so many body "parts" of me, like the war-dead and i have bled upon the ground much like they have? If it is the last thing i feel and see--the great green meadow with giant, ancient trees, the bright sky above me, then let me go; it is a beautiful place, scented with all the things i love--fresh grass, meadow flowers, the gentle breeze blowing through the leaves above me in wonderful symphony; it gives me the rest and peace i have sought for so long and i think of all who await me there and i'm almost eager. i can find no where else better and i feel forgiven there for all i have done wrong as Jesus looks and listens to me from up above, the grand, beautiful sky so high above me. Is that possible? Well, it is all i have to believe. i wish for a better life, an even better after-life but don't know where to find it, unless i completely follow Him.

See, i have been stuck on an old barbed wire fence, here in this make-believe meadow from heaven somewhere; shall i die here or try to release the sharp barbs from my flesh and run? But i wish to lay down in a soft green pastures and cast my eyes to the sky, brilliant and full of clouds at day or stars at night. i have somehow failed in my life. or have i? It depends on who you ask, i suppose. For now i'm struck numb by mistakes, taking the wrong road too many times, saying and doing the wrong things when i meant good intentions....these are my personal wars. i wish to fight no more. i want acceptance and some remnant of understanding. My brother Andy i think would unerstand this more than anyone I know and love. He is my kindred spirit.

i meant to be so much more, do much more and i fear I have come up so short. i disappoint myself more than anyone can know but i know i've disappointed so many more along my life's journey. i'm so sorry for those i speak of now. i love you all who read this and those i've hurt but aren't or can't.

God--Jesus--whoever is in charge up there--Please help me. Change my course now or it will be forever too late. Guide me, direct me for i am so lost. Meadow or not, it's not my true home, is it? Let me find the place i belong. Please find me and show me the way. i am waiting for you.

i am what i have lived

In the beginning he and i walked in fields of gold, hand in hand. Then the field turned brown and lifeless and i walked alone for a very dark and lonely time. Indeed, the past casts very long shadows. Childhood is the Kingdom where nobody is supposed to die. My childhood wore out before i was done with it. The only people that rest in peace are in cemeteries. How could i deal with losing so much at that age? Can someone ever get over losing the love of their lives and expect to be the same?

i feel like I've been lost in the woods a long time, only there is no Gingerbread House in the clearing, like Hansel and Gretel.
At least they got away, unscathed.

Today i screamed, for all the times I cried without sound.

My mom, Jody and Rebecca have alway been my heroes. Their love illuminates me, even now, even in the darkest of days. They may never go away but one day i fear they may and what will i do, oh what will i do? The clock ticks and i worry every day about losing my mos precious family members, my most precious friends. How can i live like this.....i'd rather be the one to go. i can't live with any more loss!

The weight of sadness perches like a crow on my shoulder every day. i stagger with the load, like a dying animal, the weight much too heavy for me to bear, even now. Ten people couldn't carry this load and not walk bent-over. Loss has gutted my heart entirely and forever. Is there no escape? i fear every moment of every day, that i will lose something dear to me; it's happened before and i could not forget it if i wished upon a star or prayed to God on bended knees. i live life now like the smallest objects could be snatched away from me in an instant. i am used to loss now; you'd think i'd be over it by now but what happens is i always fear the worse is yet to come; Like when a child gets their first immunization shot and they do not know what to expect. i know what the next shot will feel like and much of me knows i will not survive the next one, however i "live" everyday anticipating that other "shot", anytime, anyday. Loss has gutted my heart entirely and for forever. Is there no escape? i live in feel fear every moment, every day-- that i will lose something dear to me again. how can i live this way when every day since then i die a little more? i want a happy ending just as everyone does, except i don't have the faith to believe in that any more. This is no way to "live" and my shoulders are drooped in near surrender. My precious memories have been splintered like run-over coke and beer bottles....life is but a dream!
Yeah, it is. Just a dream and any moment it can turn into a nightmare.

i am a human car wreck, my life SPLATTERED in pieces. Imagine the most beautiful china plate and throw it against the nearest wall and see how many pieces are scattered. That is my life. i have a "before" life and for the past 20 years I've been living my "after"life. i'm in an autopilot of worry and grief and self-doubt every single day. Why can't i just live and breathe and feel safe like other people do? i am like the new Joker in the Batman movie with my distorted and horrific smile. i scare people around me, so i don't smile at all. i can't help the sense of doom that trickles through my stomach like cold, frozen water, every day.

The last days of something are always the sweetest, they say. It was for me long ago. Oh, yes. The memories of that i hold dear but they are like a bird freed from my hand after a long captive hold. The end came so unexpectantly. So now i fear being content and happy for my security could end any minute. That's everyone's reality but it happened to me,too soon to grasp it, too soon to ever, ever be normal again. i feel deformed.

i need to quiet the noise inside my head. The sky is weeping today as if it shares my sadness....so i write. it gets it "out" somewhere, like vomiting a bad meal.

i am like Alice in Wonderland....i am and have been away from the "real world". i fell down a rabbit hole and i live with the Mad Hatter. Something--like scars from long ago hurts-- has poisened any joy i could feel; my heart and soul pierced long ago. My heart bled out long ago, like a slaughtered lamb. i try now to be tight as a fist, straightened against long ago sadness. it is so so hard, like putting on a mask or halloween costume... i'm a cupcake with pretty frosting with a rotten and nasty cake underneath.

My love, my Catherine, has a child's sense of immortality and i am it's guardian. That is my only mission, my only job but i have grown weary, even as she brings me true pleasure, my only real joy. Those bursts of joy i am so thankful for, otherwises i would not be here, still on this earth. this joy i am too afraid to really feel. No one can understand this, nor would i expect them to; this fear (of her not being there tomorrow) and my grief is making it hard for loved ones to understand me. i cannot drive in a car, nor be a passenger in a car without wondering if that next car will hit us head-on or another similar disaster awaits me, somewhere, somehow. It is a constant sense of doom.

i gave Richard my heart and i continue to love others, but my heart was already torn apart. i am sore, slightly wary; my innocense have forever been nicked.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. As usual, we enjoyed the day at Richard's sister's equestrian farm, "Mercer Farms". I bet there were about 50 people in attendance. One acre of the farm is reserved for parking. More food than you can imagine and a great variety at that. Afterwards Richard and I played a little basketball while the kids jumped on the trampoline or petted the horses. It was a great, beautiful day in the 70's with a bright blue sky. It doesn't get much better than that. Friday we 3 went kayaking. Only look very close at the picture of Catherine on her kayak and you will see a tow line as I pulled her behind me the whole way because the current was strong and I didn't want to lose her. However, in the picture, while I struggled to pull us both, she is sitting contently popping Cheerios in her mouth; as well, her paddle is laying across her 'yak...she wasn't even helping! I was so sore the next day I could hardly move. You'll also notice that Richard caught a very nice flounder and we enjoyed eating the fresh catch last night.

We hope everyone we love and care for had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are thankful for YOU.

Mom's birthday - Our trip to Minnesota, Oct. 2008

As you can see from the following pictures, Minnesota is a truly beautiful place in the Fall. Before long the lakes will freeze and a bitter cold will set in. Catherine and I had a great time and loved seeing family and friends. What's hard is leaving them again at the end of our trip. What's great is we get to see Richard, my husband and best friend, and Catherine's Daddy. Now we have to settle back in to work and school tomorrow and that's a hard adjustment every year. Everyone was so kind to us; Mom makes room for extra people in her home; Jody works over-time (on her "day's off" from her busy work as Manger of a Perkins restaurant) and takes care of everyone and everything. This year I felt pretty useless after a bad fall I took on the evening of our 2nd day there, leaving me almost incapicated, unable to pitch in with cooking, dishes and the likes. My super-sisters pitched in and everything went ok, thanks to them, and of course, Mom.

I got to see everyone I wanted to see but a week goes by so fast when you fill your plate so full. I will remember so many good things--seeing my friends Hanna and Twila, having all that time with Jody, Michelle and Mom. Seeing my brothers Michael and Phil, whom I don't see as often; watching beautiful sunsets on Mill Lake, and FINALLY seeing my favorite neice and nephew Heather and Tony. We also saw Ali and Pam which was great---what a ball we all had drinking wine and talking about everything under the sun.

I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful and diverse family. It all goes by too soon. However Catherine and I are always glad to be back in our own home, back in sunny Florida and our own schedules and things-to-do.

Thanks, Mom and Jody for everything. Ya'll made it great, as usual. I miss everyone. I'll keep ya'll posted on the other blog I've started, the Family Tapestry!

Mom, I hope we celebrate another 20 years of your birthdays!
--Lori

Catherine and new friend, Destiney. You may as well call them cousins as Destiney calls me "Auntie Lori" and Catherine calls Lona "Auntie Lona". We Aslagson girls have waited for this for 20 years! Yippee! (we love Lona)

My brother Michael with Destiney and Catherine. (we hope) future step-daughter and neice. He makes a great Dad. And the older he gets (unlike the rest of us) the handsomer he gets!

An afternoon at the beach with Mya

We had the pleasure of keeping Mya this past weekend and made good use of the time we had with her.
We played hopskotch, we did crafts, we put together a castle puzzle, we had fun on the Slip-N-Slide and we went to the beach! We found seaglass, shark teeth and some pretty shells. The girls made a sandcastle and we had a picnic on the beach.
What could be more fun?
That doesn't count their "slumber party" on the pull-out couch with movies and popcorn. Gosh I wish I had 7 days a week to play with these two girls, I could get so wrapped up in it and forget that I have a job or laundry to do, or a house to keep--but who cares?

This is the best of times! Richard caught enough fish for us to have a fish fry Sunday night with lobster cakes--yum!

A Storm

For the past few days we have been shut in the house with a storm raging around us. We have had time to lounge, time to play silly boardgames, time to pass reading good books. I have soaked in the warmth of our togetherness. Time alone at home away from work is a rare commodity. The calm surrounds me like a scent. I have enjoyed listening to the wind tearing through the trees and the rain pelting down on the roof. We have been without power for long periods of time for the past 2 days. Life is different without the noise of tv's and radios. This peacefulness quiets the noise inside my head and I am at ease with the silence, it enchants me, soothes me. Candles for light, we have used the quiet time to rest. Our yard is littered with tree limbs and some of my precious garden beds have been torn to bits with the gusts of wind that have, at times, exceeded 60mph. It rages outside, this storm; but here in our little caccoon we are safe and snug and it feels good.

Beach Bash 2008!

Our week at the beach is always a special time. Time to recharge our batteries, time to sleep a little later in the morning. We have time with family members we don't see often. Time to gaze out at the great expanse of water and look for porpoises joyfully jumping through the waves. Pelicans diving from the sky for fish. Listening to the caw and cry of the seagulls. It is indeed a precious time. Saying good-bye to my family, I felt the gear grind beneath me, the firm hard sound of leaving, another parting of many--too many--and I felt the very road beneath me give way. Days with them now are precious jewels I take out and savor and fondle long after they've left. The ache in my heart is like a thorn, and I feel like a lost kitten until I accustom myself once again to the empty space they leave behind in my wounded heart.


This is Mya after swimming and riding the waves on her boogie board. Mya paints my world with sunshine. What fun she and I had!

I like to take in the spark and light of her, soft mouth and round eyes and an intense innocence.

I have been afflicted with a heart so dangerously tender that now even the smallest of transgressions, a loss of a pet or sharp word from someone dear causes me to crumble.

There will never be enough time to be with the people I love. There never is. But we make the best of the time we do have together. I just wish it didn't hurt so much when our time together is over.

Steve, my favorite brother-in-law and I doing a little dance to Bruce "The Boss" Springstein"on the 2nd floor deck.

Sunrise from the 2nd floor deck

Lovely Heather, trying her hand at surf-fishing!

Heather and I. She's truly the sweetest teenager on this planet. I'm so thankful to be her aunt and Godmother.

Heather and I.

Mom with Steve.

What's better than the beach? Being barefoot on the beach. Here's the Verhaest tribe's!

Heather and her devoted Dad, Steve

Beach walking: Mom, Steve and Catherine Jumping for joy--The Verhaest family: Heather, Jody, Tony and Steve

Enjoying a quiet time, us 3 girls: Mom, Jody and myself.

Another sunrise taken by Steve while everyone else was sleeping....There's nothing more beautiful than the ocean at sunrise!

We all dressed up to celebrate Jody's birthday. We ate dinner at "The Reef" restaurant that night and it was wonderful. Mom went along but missed out on getting her picture taken with us. We had a great time that night...our table was overlooking the beach and the food was great too. Jody looked so beautiful that night, she took my breath away.

Richard and I....what a kiss!

Tony surf fishing. You have to be pretty patient to stand there and do that....but he proved to be a very worthy fisherman!

Heather relaxing and trying to work on her tan; that's the beach house in the back ground. A prettier, more intelligent and sweet girl I have yet to meet. How lucky we are that she's our niece and Goddaughter.

Our kayak, sitting and waiting for someone else to take out for a ride.

Tony took the dare!

Kimberly, Tony,Mya, Heather and Catherine

Catherine wrapped in a towel in between dives into the ocean!

Jody and Steve dancing on the deck!

Jody and I.

A heron at the Mission, the site of the first established church on the east coast. We thought the bird was a statue until we startled him upon our approach. He (or she) was enjoying a cool afternoon drink from the fountain.

Mya....clearly she loves the beach!

Hey look at this....
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Footprints in the sand!


Getting ready to take Mya out for a ride on her boogie board; she loved it so much we did it over and over and over and over and over and over.....

I held Mya close to me and felt her heart thumping against my skin. I will give anything for the love of this beautiful child.

She'd had a bit too much water and needed a reassuring hug which I was all too ready to give her. She's a joy in my life I wouldn't trade for anything.

Me, the photographer, with Steve. He's the greatest guy in the world.

Mom, looking for shark teeth and sea glass. I think she enjoys the ocean's roar, the call of the shore birds, scavenging for food: gulls, terns willets and sandpipers. The sandpipers scurry like little ghosts across the sand, probing for tiny mole crabs and multicolored coquina clams as the tides advance and recede across the sand.

Oh how we love to traipse around on the beach, I mostly barefoot, my hair windblown and tangled, my skin drawn tight by the salty air!

Heather and her dad. What a special moment captured on film. I do so miss Heather, and the warm bath of her laughter. I remember looking at her as we talked and her eyes would crease merrily at the corners. I breathed in those moments, hoping to never forget them. She too, paints the world with sunshine.

The Verhaests with Catherine on top!

Heather and Catherine

Mya

Richard and his favorite niece, Heather

Look what Steve did! Take his driver's license away! He hit Richard's truck!

Silly Mya!

The Verhaests with the family matriarch*, Mom.

* A woman who rules a family, tribe, etc. A Woman who rules a family, tribe. A highly respected elderly woman.

Kimberly and boyfriend Mike.

Mike and Tony playing a round of ping-pong.

Richard and I "puffing it up" for the picture!

Well our Summer Beach Bash 2008 is over too soon. No more morning walks searching for beach glass or shark teeth, no more sitting under the beach umbrella watching the pelicans dive and fly gracefully over the waves. No more evening sunsets as we walk the beach again after dinner. No more ping pong games, wet swim suits lining the deck, flip flops scattered here and there....It is gone too soon.

What we have now is another wonderful year of memories. I hope these pictures capture a fraction of that....I will hold on to those moments until next time and hope everyone else does the same.

Mom, Jody, Steve, Heather and Tony: You are more welcome to me as flowers in May. Our vacation would not have been half the fun without you. Thank you so much for joining us. It was a peaceful time, a happy time. And I wish we were still there!
No regrets! We made memories to last a lifetime!

Catherine on her boogie board!

Tony, Catherine and Heather at Alligator Farm!

Nothing is worth more than this day." -- Goethe