still under a dark cloud

The battle seems an unperious end that has come too soon, yet not soon enough. Still, i can't shake the sense of doom. No more tears right now,but i've filled a cup full already today. i am empty, finally. No more swords thrown my way; nor modern day bullets aimed at my heart and no drowning in deep waters where it's so dark and cold i almost gave up my life.... those that feel like me will agree. (but where are you?)
My battle is done for now, until another day. Bloodshed is sometimes the same as tears and hurt, don't you think? i so fruitlessly duck the cannon balls, spears and bullets; this is not a war i'm comfortable with, but familiar with. Once, twice and now three times and i'm ready to wave the white flag of surrender. i am done but the battlefield is so hard to leave; only the dead remain and the hurt limp away or die trying, like my own tired body and spirit. i need closure first but it seems impossible. Should i just lay down to sleep along with the long-ago dead? Or is there hope for me when i've lost so many body "parts" of me, like the war-dead and i have bled upon the ground much like they have? If it is the last thing i feel and see--the great green meadow with giant, ancient trees, the bright sky above me, then let me go; it is a beautiful place, scented with all the things i love--fresh grass, meadow flowers, the gentle breeze blowing through the leaves above me in wonderful symphony; it gives me the rest and peace i have sought for so long and i think of all who await me there and i'm almost eager. i can find no where else better and i feel forgiven there for all i have done wrong as Jesus looks and listens to me from up above, the grand, beautiful sky so high above me. Is that possible? Well, it is all i have to believe. i wish for a better life, an even better after-life but don't know where to find it, unless i completely follow Him.

See, i have been stuck on an old barbed wire fence, here in this make-believe meadow from heaven somewhere; shall i die here or try to release the sharp barbs from my flesh and run? But i wish to lay down in a soft green pastures and cast my eyes to the sky, brilliant and full of clouds at day or stars at night. i have somehow failed in my life. or have i? It depends on who you ask, i suppose. For now i'm struck numb by mistakes, taking the wrong road too many times, saying and doing the wrong things when i meant good intentions....these are my personal wars. i wish to fight no more. i want acceptance and some remnant of understanding. My brother Andy i think would unerstand this more than anyone I know and love. He is my kindred spirit.

i meant to be so much more, do much more and i fear I have come up so short. i disappoint myself more than anyone can know but i know i've disappointed so many more along my life's journey. i'm so sorry for those i speak of now. i love you all who read this and those i've hurt but aren't or can't.

God--Jesus--whoever is in charge up there--Please help me. Change my course now or it will be forever too late. Guide me, direct me for i am so lost. Meadow or not, it's not my true home, is it? Let me find the place i belong. Please find me and show me the way. i am waiting for you.