i am what i have lived

In the beginning he and i walked in fields of gold, hand in hand. Then the field turned brown and lifeless and i walked alone for a very dark and lonely time. Indeed, the past casts very long shadows. Childhood is the Kingdom where nobody is supposed to die. My childhood wore out before i was done with it. The only people that rest in peace are in cemeteries. How could i deal with losing so much at that age? Can someone ever get over losing the love of their lives and expect to be the same?

i feel like I've been lost in the woods a long time, only there is no Gingerbread House in the clearing, like Hansel and Gretel.
At least they got away, unscathed.

Today i screamed, for all the times I cried without sound.

My mom, Jody and Rebecca have alway been my heroes. Their love illuminates me, even now, even in the darkest of days. They may never go away but one day i fear they may and what will i do, oh what will i do? The clock ticks and i worry every day about losing my mos precious family members, my most precious friends. How can i live like this.....i'd rather be the one to go. i can't live with any more loss!

The weight of sadness perches like a crow on my shoulder every day. i stagger with the load, like a dying animal, the weight much too heavy for me to bear, even now. Ten people couldn't carry this load and not walk bent-over. Loss has gutted my heart entirely and forever. Is there no escape? i fear every moment of every day, that i will lose something dear to me; it's happened before and i could not forget it if i wished upon a star or prayed to God on bended knees. i live life now like the smallest objects could be snatched away from me in an instant. i am used to loss now; you'd think i'd be over it by now but what happens is i always fear the worse is yet to come; Like when a child gets their first immunization shot and they do not know what to expect. i know what the next shot will feel like and much of me knows i will not survive the next one, however i "live" everyday anticipating that other "shot", anytime, anyday. Loss has gutted my heart entirely and for forever. Is there no escape? i live in feel fear every moment, every day-- that i will lose something dear to me again. how can i live this way when every day since then i die a little more? i want a happy ending just as everyone does, except i don't have the faith to believe in that any more. This is no way to "live" and my shoulders are drooped in near surrender. My precious memories have been splintered like run-over coke and beer bottles....life is but a dream!
Yeah, it is. Just a dream and any moment it can turn into a nightmare.

i am a human car wreck, my life SPLATTERED in pieces. Imagine the most beautiful china plate and throw it against the nearest wall and see how many pieces are scattered. That is my life. i have a "before" life and for the past 20 years I've been living my "after"life. i'm in an autopilot of worry and grief and self-doubt every single day. Why can't i just live and breathe and feel safe like other people do? i am like the new Joker in the Batman movie with my distorted and horrific smile. i scare people around me, so i don't smile at all. i can't help the sense of doom that trickles through my stomach like cold, frozen water, every day.

The last days of something are always the sweetest, they say. It was for me long ago. Oh, yes. The memories of that i hold dear but they are like a bird freed from my hand after a long captive hold. The end came so unexpectantly. So now i fear being content and happy for my security could end any minute. That's everyone's reality but it happened to me,too soon to grasp it, too soon to ever, ever be normal again. i feel deformed.

i need to quiet the noise inside my head. The sky is weeping today as if it shares my sadness....so i write. it gets it "out" somewhere, like vomiting a bad meal.

i am like Alice in Wonderland....i am and have been away from the "real world". i fell down a rabbit hole and i live with the Mad Hatter. Something--like scars from long ago hurts-- has poisened any joy i could feel; my heart and soul pierced long ago. My heart bled out long ago, like a slaughtered lamb. i try now to be tight as a fist, straightened against long ago sadness. it is so so hard, like putting on a mask or halloween costume... i'm a cupcake with pretty frosting with a rotten and nasty cake underneath.

My love, my Catherine, has a child's sense of immortality and i am it's guardian. That is my only mission, my only job but i have grown weary, even as she brings me true pleasure, my only real joy. Those bursts of joy i am so thankful for, otherwises i would not be here, still on this earth. this joy i am too afraid to really feel. No one can understand this, nor would i expect them to; this fear (of her not being there tomorrow) and my grief is making it hard for loved ones to understand me. i cannot drive in a car, nor be a passenger in a car without wondering if that next car will hit us head-on or another similar disaster awaits me, somewhere, somehow. It is a constant sense of doom.

i gave Richard my heart and i continue to love others, but my heart was already torn apart. i am sore, slightly wary; my innocense have forever been nicked.

Thanksgiving Weekend

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. As usual, we enjoyed the day at Richard's sister's equestrian farm, "Mercer Farms". I bet there were about 50 people in attendance. One acre of the farm is reserved for parking. More food than you can imagine and a great variety at that. Afterwards Richard and I played a little basketball while the kids jumped on the trampoline or petted the horses. It was a great, beautiful day in the 70's with a bright blue sky. It doesn't get much better than that. Friday we 3 went kayaking. Only look very close at the picture of Catherine on her kayak and you will see a tow line as I pulled her behind me the whole way because the current was strong and I didn't want to lose her. However, in the picture, while I struggled to pull us both, she is sitting contently popping Cheerios in her mouth; as well, her paddle is laying across her 'yak...she wasn't even helping! I was so sore the next day I could hardly move. You'll also notice that Richard caught a very nice flounder and we enjoyed eating the fresh catch last night.

We hope everyone we love and care for had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We are thankful for YOU.