By the ocean, once again

This has got to be the one of the most extraordinary beaches in the world. We came out here on an early February morning when much of our country is still shrouded in blankets with frost on windows, fog coming from their breath and we are dancing under a brilliant blue sky with a beautiful sailboat in the distance, seagulls dipping low for the crackers I throw to them. We walk the sandy beach, only 3 of a dozen people as far as I can see and we search for our beloved seaglass, sharkteeth and shells or driftwood. I sat after a while of searching, bent over like a crab due to my poor eyesight and.....just breathed in the salty air, sat on the sand with my legs crossed, serene as a buddah. I have used up so much precious time preparing for these kind of experiences rather than just living them and surrending to the moment. I have been lured by the sea's distant roar, and the scent of the ocean ever since I came here and saw it and felt it and smelled it deeply for the first time in 1982, a young bride from Minnesota. Still, after all these years, today I lay here and sun myself and embrace it's warmth. I believe we spend the first half of our lives learning to be an adult and the second half learning to be a child again. Boy, have I ever allowed too many days to go dull and permitted too many parts of me to go unused! This is what's it's all about, at least for me! Serenity and calm. True, deep peace within myself. No rush, no "bad noise", just this. I should abandon any God-less thoughts from here on out. Parts of me like playfulness, vulnerabilty, being at home in my own true skin and using more of my instincts--like so many pieces of a jigzaw puzzle, that's what I need to do to find a way to create the whole of me once again which has been lost for so long.

The wind from the northeast and as far as I can see it is stirring up ruffles of whitecaps that decorate the surface of the water. I know I have been in a spiritual and physical drought for far too long and I want to dive into those ruffled whitecaps. The depths and the silence of the sea are sure to be good friends.

Perhaps I have finally used up all my despair. I want to stand whole in my skin and either dive like a pelican or fly like an eagle. I know there is no arriving, ever, yet I know it is all a continual becoming!